Broken Hearts, Getting Lost, and Finding Myself...

How do you rebuild a heart that is so shattered and broken?  For me I took my time, and piece by tiny piece I slowly put it back together in new ways that suited my soul. You might surprise yourself that in doing so, you will rebuild your heart and your life in a way that is so far from what you imagined but so perfect that you can no longer imagine living how you once did.

Ever since I can remember I wanted to be a Mom, the entirety of my childhood I lived to care for my baby dolls and I played with them and loved them far beyond the years that it was acceptable. I fed them, changed them, used my allowance to buy them new clothes, cuddled them, and took them with me everywhere.  Growing up, a "Mom" was what I always thought I would be, I didn't really have any another plan or desire.

Flash forward to a few years after I got married and you see the grown up version of that little girl with the same plans for her future.  I wanted to spend my days loving my husband, and raising our children.  I even planned my studies and career around the idea that I would fill my house with children.  I chose to study education and to become a teacher not only because I love children but because I would have ample time off during school holidays and summer break to be with my future littles.  Seems perfect, right? Except sometimes things don't go as you planned and hoped for, after twelve long months of negative pregnancy tests and endless amounts of tears I realized something was wrong.  We sought fertility help for two years with no success, and no baby to show for our efforts.  The devastating process and constant struggle left me a broken shell of who I once was, and my marriage in shambles. To say I was exhausted and depressed would be an understatement... I was furious at any woman with a pregnancy announcement, a growing belly, or pushing a newborn in the market, I was miserable to be around...a grown woman throwing a constant temper tantrum for not being able to get her way. 

And then my husband saved me, he scooped me up and drove me (in a UHAUL...lol) far away from everything I've ever known and everyone I loved, and we started a new life...and I began to heal.  I started to love myself again, despite all of the self hatred that consumed me from years of my bodies constant betrayal at not being able to do the ONE thing a woman's body is created to do.
 
The years of heartbreak and disappointment were necessary for me to become who I am today and who I will become in the future, my happiness is no longer reliant on starting a family with children because my life is complete just the way it is.

 We are all on a journey of discovery, don't spend your life waiting for tomorrow: for a significant other, for a better job, more money, more time or less stress.  Live in the moment, appreciate the good days and the bad, grow from them, and you will find all of the joy your heart desires.

xoxo,